Ladies! It is time to gather around, and listen to my words of caution. From my many years of fulfilling high school experience, I have found it to be under my observation that a number of you are of a new and different species. A species not yet been discovered by man, and one that may lead to a whole array of problems for the rest of humanity itself.

Sitting in your little chair, I see you. I can see the way that you continue to twirl you hair at this ridiculous accusation. I can see the way that you try to blow off the fear creeping up your back. But I warn you, be afraid, be very afraid- because you have been discovered of your horrible, heinous, and horrific crime! Yes! I know you for what you truly are… a Calorie Counter!

My initial observations were the ones that first arose my suspicions. I saw how you, in your Forever 21 skinny jeans hesitated in the lunch line. You wanted something… the Need to Feed was clearly in your eyes, but still you hesitated. And in ignoring all innate sensitivities, you went directly against your body’s yearnings and ordered a cookie. One measly, meager cookie. A tiny one at that. And your reason? “It has less calories… “, you thought, “I’m not that hungry”, you convinced yourself.

But alas, feel joy! Because I am here to save you from future horrendous actions by acting as your Voice of Reason. First of all I want to ask you, what insane logic makes you feel as though a cookie is a meal? Out of all the health classes I’ve never skipped, I have never ever heard that a tasty, though nutritionally vacant baked-good counts as a substantial source of nourishment for the teenage body. You are basically doing yourself much more harm than good when you deprive yourself of the basics needed for life as a human on earth. (No Durh…)

The second thing I would like to ask you is why? Why do you always feel the need count calories in order to be the skinniest, itty- bittiest person in town. Does it please you? Your boyfriend? Or do you like to be hungry? It’s probably good to question why you would do such an action in the first place, but what do I know?

And for thirders…thirds… And third of all, against the wishes of all modern- day psychologists, I am advising you to maybe consider the option of possibly stopping. By that , I don’t mean stop eating, I mean stop acting like a nincompoop. You’re a human, humans need foodstuff, and when you deprive your body of food, you’re basically saying you are not a human anymore (okay, well probably not).

So the next time you go through the lunch line, maybe look at one of those posters with the creepy kids from the 90’s on them. The might actually offer some good advice on how to eat healthier, without all of the hungry feelings.